The past two days were really rough on me. I am used to pain, sure, but it was getting to the point where I couldn’t even think about anything else. I began feeling so overwhelmed; asking myself questions like, “Is this going to go on forever?”

I just had my first post partum period earlier this month, and so right about now would be when ovulate. I was thinking that maybe, possibly all this uterine pain could be from ovulating? For two days, my entire pelvic area was sore beyond what felt reasonable. It ached terribly. I took pain medications, and could still feel the throbbing, though I didn’t care about it once the pain relief kicked in.

I wrote in the MDC pelvic organ prolapse thread, asking if anyone else experiences such problems while ovulating, and then noticed that I made a post about two weeks before I started my period, where I asked almost the same thing. “I haven’t started my period yet, but am thinking all this terrible aching is because I am ovulating? Does anyone else experience this?” Seems I just forgot about the pain I had last month. So, this is going to happen every month? I guess I can handle that. If it has a reason, and goes away, I can deal with that. I hate trying to get through pain that I cannot blame on anything, and has no end in sight.

I woke up this morning, not feeling as terrible, thankfully. This is good timing, since we are leaving for Anderson, California tonight, and I have done nothing to get ready for the trip. All I have been doing is watching a lot of shows on surfthechannel.com (catching up on Heroes), sending meaningless Tweets to Twitter, and laying in bed with the kids. I am sure they are bored senseless by now. I hope that we have a fun, relaxing weekend. I sure do need it.

This is my song for Oliver. I was on a big Jack Johnson kick after he was born, & one night I played this & danced alone in the darkened room with him. It was such a beautiful moment, that I started crying. I love listening to this. This live version is really lovely.

I love this song. It always gives me goosebumps. I especially love from about 3:45-4:00.

Give me a vision when I got none
And a thunderbolts in each hand of my own
For I’m, coming back to level everything they taught us wrong
Onto Transmigration!

Frequencies of love
Gather ’round, like a mob
Frequencies of love
Overcome, overthrow

I am feeling like I am incapable of meeting everyone’s needs. I think that is the force that truly drives me in life – that I feel as if I have to make sure everyone is happy & taken care of, always. This is not a healthy “need”. It is not even possible! Yet, when anyone is upset, I blame myself. Brian got upset about something not even related to me a little while ago, & in my head, I immediately go to “He must be upset, because of something to do with me.”

Ciara is having a bad day? Oh, that is totally my fault, for not being a good enough mother.

I know those are not rational thoughts, yet I still think that & feel the emotions related to the guilt of making everyone unhappy.

What I find interesting is that I just realized that I do this. Are my thoughts & emotions so jumbled that I cannot even see what is wrong with them? How do I take time to sort these kinds of things out? Where do I start?

Mood: Pretty sad & lonely

It finally stopped raining a couple of days ago, after a couple weeks of what felt like non-stop darkness & drizzle. We took advantage & headed over to our nearby park. The kids were able to get out a lot of energy, & just by chance, my friend Tracy drove by right as we were crossing the street to the park. She & her son ended up stopping & hanging out with us. I always run into Tracy! Small town, I guess.

By the photos, it probably seems I have a favorite child! ;) Ciara will not sit still long enough for pictures. When she does sit still for a second, she yells at me if I try to take a picture.

I went to a children’s, as well as a women’s, clothing swap in Portland last weekend. I scored a TON of free clothes. I am thinking about having one here in Newberg, since it is a bit of a drive to go to one out in Portland, or Tigard. Not sure how I would go about getting one up and running, or if I have the energy/time to take on something like that, but it is swirling around in my brain.

I picked up a new sweater that I adore; the blue is like a robin’s egg. I want to wear it forever.

Ciara asked me to hold her last night before bed. I was running my hands through her hair & she said:

“Thank you for giving me home, Mama”
“Giving you home?”
“Yeah. Our home. I love our home.”

Earlier in the day, she had a huge melt down when we got home from the library. She was kicking her seat, screaming that she didn’t want to go inside. Why? Because our house wasn’t green. She hollered that she hated our house. She wanted a GREEN house.

I let her stay in the car (she wanted to stay in there “FOREVER!!!”), & went inside. I got her a glass of water, & brought it out to her. She was still fuming in the car, repeating over & over about how she wanted a green house. “Dad needs to paint our house! I hate this house! I hate it!”

After she finished her water, she hopped out of the car, & went inside. Just like nothing had happened.

I am finding that a lot of these meltdowns are related to her either being thirsty or hungry. So, I am trying to keep her fed & hydrated at all times.

Sometimes, though, I have no idea what is wrong or how to fix it.

I really love Feist’s song “Intuition”. I have listened to it over and over, and gah, I still love it. I am not sure why it gets to me; I often have to fight off tears while listening to it.

I uploaded it on Sendspace for anyone that is interested in downloading it.

I was poking around on YouTube, looking to see if there is a video for the song (I never found one), but I found a video for “Honey Honey”, which is another great song off the same album, The Reminder. This video is awesome/creepy. I love puppets!

So, maybe today is not my day.

Cookies – yeah, they are nasty.

But what is even better? The fan in the bathroom started to catch on FIRE! Smoke every where! It has been dying a slow & painful death. We have had good intentions to put it out of it’s misery, but haven’t taken the time to actually put in the new fan. Well, the rickety old fan gave up & shorted out. Or whatever it is that fans do to catch on fire.

This was right before we were about to leave for Ciara’s homeschoolin’ thing. Good thing, or the house would have probably been burnt to a crisp upon our return.

Now the whole house smells like burning. Ick. I decided to stay home, as I do not trust the fan any more. I had to leave the breaker turned on, or else it turns off the fridge, too.

Brian told me to stick my hand up in the dark hole to see if anything was on fire. Okie dokie!

I am feeling unmotivated, and craving chocolate & coffee. CHOCOLATE & COFFEE!

Am trying to get the house in order today. I am still not used to being home on the weekends, & I find that I sort of just flit about, hardly doing anything at all. It feels strange being around Brian so much now. Was so used to just seeing him sparingly, that now we do not know what to do with our time together.

We usually spend an hour or so lazing around in bed, while the kids run around & play games. This is, of course, if he has a ‘late morning’. Some mornings he is gone before I even wake up. Today was a late morning. I am usually the first to get up, open the blinds, turn off the lights. Let in the day. I get a glass of water, take some meds, & lay back down until they kick in. Then, if I feel I can sneak away, I take a quick shower. I always feel a million times better after a shower. Brian says he loves the Nicole that comes out of the shower, because she is always happier. He says she is “different than the regular Nicole.”

Then, I go in and out of every room, picking up, delegating, & trying to figure out what to do next. What is priority. Sometimes, I have a hard time keeping track of what I should really be doing, instead of what I am doing.

Hours later now, & I finished a lot of what I needed to. Laundry is being dried, floor vacuumed, kids fed. I am attempting to re-create the awesome pumpkin cookies I made a few weeks ago, & I think that using Splenda instead of regular sugar totally fucked them up. Oh, well. I am trying to make something to bring to Ciara’s little pre-K homeschool co-op thing that she goes to every other Monday. I am excited, since she had a blast last time. It is put together by some homeschooling Newberg moms. We get the girls together, & have fun doing crafts and learning about nature & seasonal things. I should bring my camera this time…

I ate one of those weirdo cookies, & now I feel all BLAH. I think it was the sugar. I really need to cut out the sugar, & now. It really screws with my moods & body. I feel like shit, & start lashing out at everything & everyone. Not a good thing. I need to tell myself that eating whatever it is that I want is not really worth it in the long run. I did have a big filling lunch of beans with a side of bean, though. Ha. It was actually really good.

Dinner is roast chicken, potatoes, broccoli, & something else that I can scrounge up. I need to get my grocery list in order so that Brian can pick everything up. We are going to try having him get the groceries on the way home, instead of all of us going, since it ends up being such an ordeal.

I used to go do the shopping when I got off work at the pharmacy ages ago. It would be one in the morning, & I would shop all by myself in that huge store. One night, there was a big ice storm, & I decided to go any way. It took me two hours to get home. I ended up finally getting into bed at four in the morning.

So, now I guess it is his turn!